So there’s me…and those other girls.

So there’s me…and those other girls.

The ones compared with straight hair and perfect curls.

The ones that are witty and a touch prettier than me-And the one that I introduce as myself, but… isn’t quite me.

The one that you dated, the one that you’d trust… (super athletic and sexy) much like the one you hated…and lust.

All of them standing in the lineup with me-There’s her- and her- and my insecurity.

They are shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip-you let them be.
Turn away, walk along, but they force you to see.

“Don’t compare us,” but “please tell us who you love more???” Not realizing your glancing at a rear view mirror…not a revolving door.

But honestly speaking, in this lineup- I see-is THEIR “one that that they introduce- that isn’t quite me.”

So in higher-self and lower-self, in the ether they float-the women that we think that you’d like the most.

But something that sparks here and there with a dimming light-
Is the ME that I can (breathe out, breathe in) sleep with at night.

 

Chapter 504

I found comfortable and then moved away…again.

In a city that people love to visit; I am learning to live.

New job. New house. Clean Slate. New Chapter.

Day Off At Work

Fingers hitting keyboards; some rattling and some tapping
Varying tones of ringing followed with pleasantries and laughing
Whispers in the break room and clunking heels down the hall
I am frozen in my seat, trying not to hear at all

The air conditioning’s cycle and the ding-dong of the door
The muffled stomping of the lawyers who are above pacing the floor
The fan inside my laptop and the “received” tone of the fax
Still I am motionless, oblivious to how many minutes I’ve let pass

Complaints about the coffee and loud talkers on the phone
The office slowly shrinking but staffing targets are dead on
What sales are at what stores and grandchildren stories from the women
I vent to fight my rising heart rate as this typing keeps me hidden

You will want to be her home.

We want to be noticed and eventually adored for our hidden intricacies. We want the lover who lives to learn us. The one who wants to take us across the world to drink wine for breakfast and drunkenly stare at buildings to discuss architecture and religion. We want someone who realizes that where you invest your time, your heart will follow. With bitten nails, designer shoes and an iPod library ranging from Mozart to Ludacris. Someone who shares their first bite of steak and offers up their last bite of ice-cream. Someone who sees her.

She will always make you late, but it is you that she wants to impress. She is not and never will be a morning person so you can expect to wake up your hypothetical children and make them breakfast. She loves fire and fresh cut grass but is allergic to smoke and gets hay fever. She loves to cook for you and lives to bake, but has never cared for sweets and would rather leftovers most nights. She can’t help but talk during movies and will “Shush” you when you do. She is the most giving and selfish person you will ever meet and has all faith in the biblical definition of love.

She will laugh at herself often and see she is becoming her parents more every day. She will take pictures of you when you are not looking and write you letters you will never see when she is angry. She will pray for you more than herself and curse you quietly for leaving toothpaste in the sink and licking your fingers. She takes her coffee black because her mom does and notices every time you touch her. She will use all of the hot water, take all of the covers and expect to never touch a trash can for the duration of your life together. She will always want to see the world but avoid looking like a tourist at all cost.

She will vote in every single election, listen to talk radio and still dance until sunrise to pop music you’re embarrassed that you like a little. She has a distrust of modern medicine and big business and hates environmental irresponsibility. She is the girl who loves to run and will race you barefoot after too many drinks. She loves to sing and does so often, but rarely knows all of the words. She makes you think about houses and children and cries during comedies. You will want to be her home.

Life is happening.

I am going for an interview in Illinois on Monday. They are flying me into the depth of the snow for two days to “discuss the position we spoke about.” I do not want to move to Illinois, but I do want the best opportunity out there, and if they offer me the job…this just may be it.

I am working on so many projects at work that I can’t keep them straight and the contract grant writing I’m working on for my non-profits is rolling into a bubbly mess in my head.

I decided to simplify this year and it seems that the runoff from 2010 is slowing that process down.

This year, I will choose to be happy.

I will run into fearful situations, not from them.

I will say no, not always, but more often.

I will apologize sufficiently and sincerely.

I will tell myself continually to slow down, relax and that nothing in life worth having, is easy.

I will not be judgmental or condescending.

And for the very first time in my life, I will commit to myself more than others.

It is definitely NOT Tuesday. It is Monday again.

I woke up an hour late to find a super sexy fever blister on my face. I arrived to work to a computer that was locked and all of our IT people were out for the morning. I realized that I still have 13 people to shop for on my Christmas list and only one night to complete the task. I sat on hold with the pharmacy for 41 minutes to be hung up on and then 30 min later be told that my prescription cannot be filled. The meeting I have been preparing for for days, was canceled 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave. I just confirmed attending a Christmas party tomorrow night that I forgot about until the call came in for the head count. Ahhhh!!!

Its the most wonderful time of the year...

Louisiana…It is 76 degrees in December and I’m hobbling down Magazine Street with a broken foot in a boot and Chloe. I have a list, but one of mostly just names without any ideas beside them. We parked on an end where I have not shopped before and it was a haven for children's toys, and while a tad overpriced, very unique kids gifts. Somewhere between the “bubble gum factory” and the “Make your own Tutu” kits I snagged, the lighted store fronts offered us a tiny gust of Christmas spirit. I finished over half of the “kid gift” shopping in about an hour and a half. The only problem is that now I have to shop for the adults. Regardless, I love Christmas and am fighting my usual tendency to go a little overboard. So in the spirit of the holiday and a minimalist approach to the art of finding the perfect gift; the one that screams at you instead of catches your eye as an afterthought, I am going to enjoy the shopping, decorating, baking and even my #1 on the “if you were on a desert island” drink-hot chocolate EVEN IF it is all while wearing mini dresses and sandals.

Attempt at Accountability

There was "Getting fine in 09," then "Staying Thin in 2010," now, after a broken foot and my last year of my masters degree... I've got 12 weeks to be beach ready.

Summer’s wedding is in 12 weeks…wedding as in El Dorado Royal Resort, bikinis and “flowy” tops and dresses that highlight any winter weight like a neon “SLOTS” sign at a truck stop. So, in light of looking my best I have a plan.

The Victoria’s “not much left of a” Secret Fashion show is tonight at 9. I made an excel sheet that is posted front and center in my office for my weight and measurements. Fake tanning lotion is on order and crest white strips are in tow.

I’m hoping that my pre wedding shopping will further encourage my weight loss/get fit plan. I already have a pair of shimmer shorts and a j crew linen top picked out that requires me to have slender limbs and a flat stomach.

So for the sake of a speedy jump into summer weight and accountability…no more tiramisu, fleur-di-lis pizza or…breathe…imported beer.

"Before" pic to come...eh.

What I don’t understand

I know what drink you order and how you like your poor boy dressed.
I know what school you went to and who you took to prom.

I know what you dream about and what you are scared of;
Who broke your heart and whose heart you broke.

What few deserts you eat and which veggies you eat cooked or raw.

I know the first thing you play every time you pick up your guitar and that you never change the strings on time.

I know the “go to” jokes that make you laugh and what teams you’re watching.

What I don’t understand, is why you don’t want to know these things about me.

I've been lonely before

He made me laugh, He made me cry
He smoked his stogies in bed
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

I asked the boy for a few kind words
He gave me a novel instead
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

Its fine, it's okay
It was wrong either way
I just wanted to say
There isn't much fun when you're drinking for one

He got drunk, he fell down
He threw a few of my things around
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

I'd like to believe that it's easy to leave
But I have to conceive that wherever you are
You're still driving my car

Sticks and stones break my bones
But tears don't leave any scars
so I'm all alright, I'm all alright
I've been lonely before

He played solitaire in bed
Used to blow bubbles in bed
He sang Christmas songs in bed