just a little change of perspective

Today I learned that people talk to themselves in “self-talk” anywhere from 150 to 300 words a minute.

So in the car, as hyper sensitive as I usually am, I’m thinking…

Turn here (1), not too sharp (2), keep my purse from falling over (3), put on your seatbelt (4), light, come on…, speed up, stupid driver, when does the produce stand open?, I wonder when my meeting starts, why does my phone die all the time, wash car, pick up library books…

I don’t know where the general public falls on self-talking, but I am definatly on the higher end of personal narrative numbers.

So, these thoughts have been following me through my day and I have realized that in light of my “don’t think less of yourself; but think of yourself less” theme-most of my soliloquies are focused on my “feelings.”

I feel tired; I feel out of shape, I wonder if I will ever FEEEEL like getting out of bed early. I love when I feel relaxed. I am feeling on top of the world…until I feel defeated.

So, in this realization I realized that while I have always known that people are their own worst critics…we also talk to ourselves like we would never think of speaking to someone else.

In my effort to not be judgmental and speak only positive or encouraging words-I forgot to consider how I speak to myself.

I FEEL conversations should be I AM conversations.

When I feel defeated, I AM a winner.

When I feel unattractive or out of shape, I AM created wonderfully.

When I feel afraid, I AM more than a conqueror.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

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"You wish for something, you've wanted it for years, and you're sure you want it, as long as you know you can't have it. But if all at once it looks as though your wish might come true, you suddenly find yourself wishing you had never wished for any such thing."


— Michael Ende The Neverending Story

Love is satisfied in God

The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire.  Isaiah 58:11

Your friend will cross the line and let a secret slip.

You will “never find” your spouse, or they will come home late.

Your family will always ask more than you can give them far past what feels like your last dime.

Your new outfit will go unnoticed and your efforts around the house.

You will expect too much and continually be let down.

I have realized that some of my demands are unreasonable, I am human.

It is hard to remember times when I was “anxious for nothing;” when prayer, supplication and thanksgiving were how I delivered my request to Him. I do remember peace…and vividly I remember it truly surpassing my understanding. 

No one can give me peace but God.

The things that I need in my life, only God can satisfy and I had forgotten this.

A friend, a confidant even a stranger can meet some of my needs-but only God can do it all.

I need love. I need acceptance and I need joy.

I have expected all of this to come from others so I have not depended on him.

I have laid down these needs and stuffed them right back in my heart to carry around with me.

My looks, health, friendships, intentions, affections and bank account will all change.

I have looked to all of these, and again, they have changed.

His faithfulness, His truth, and His promises to me will remain.

My only reason, once I remove the excuses, is that I have not trusted God to supply what I need.

While I am not the Samaritan woman at the well, I too have tried to meet needs through friendships and relationships and again and again am found broken standing with just an empty bucket.

Lately I don’t “feel like” much, but I have a feeling if I push forward and seek only him I will find myself right where I belong.

God is enough and always on time.

listen

I live fast and love hard.

I cry often and harder.

When will I get it right?

I want simple things:

to make music, art and laughter.

Today, I will start treating myself like I do others.

I will listen to my heart, comfort myself and encourage my impossible.

Only held by gravity, faded with uncertainty

It is the 15th,
The day we kissed and ended it.

Why are most songs about love and loss?
Music is where we met most and now I avoid the radio.

We were friendship set on fire
and I have a feeling you have not even noticed what I left behind.

You never get your old skin back,
Once you have loved like that.

Turns out lying is what I’m best at.
In bed, on the floor and in wait.

I am now one of the girls that “came before”
I opened my soul and am no more.

All I wanted was everything,
and until I gave up, you wouldn’t surrender.

Did it happen, were we there?
Sleeping late and fighting

I don’t want to cry if you are better off without me
And I won’t ever know, because you’ve never been a talker.

I battled for your attention
But you will find her, and all will change

I am taking the boxes of before and leaving them outside,
Too many hearts to carry any more, I need all the strength I have to carry me now.