Chapter 504

I found comfortable and then moved away…again.

In a city that people love to visit; I am learning to live.

New job. New house. Clean Slate. New Chapter.

Day Off At Work

Fingers hitting keyboards; some rattling and some tapping
Varying tones of ringing followed with pleasantries and laughing
Whispers in the break room and clunking heels down the hall
I am frozen in my seat, trying not to hear at all

The air conditioning’s cycle and the ding-dong of the door
The muffled stomping of the lawyers who are above pacing the floor
The fan inside my laptop and the “received” tone of the fax
Still I am motionless, oblivious to how many minutes I’ve let pass

Complaints about the coffee and loud talkers on the phone
The office slowly shrinking but staffing targets are dead on
What sales are at what stores and grandchildren stories from the women
I vent to fight my rising heart rate as this typing keeps me hidden

You will want to be her home.

We want to be noticed and eventually adored for our hidden intricacies. We want the lover who lives to learn us. The one who wants to take us across the world to drink wine for breakfast and drunkenly stare at buildings to discuss architecture and religion. We want someone who realizes that where you invest your time, your heart will follow. With bitten nails, designer shoes and an iPod library ranging from Mozart to Ludacris. Someone who shares their first bite of steak and offers up their last bite of ice-cream. Someone who sees her.

She will always make you late, but it is you that she wants to impress. She is not and never will be a morning person so you can expect to wake up your hypothetical children and make them breakfast. She loves fire and fresh cut grass but is allergic to smoke and gets hay fever. She loves to cook for you and lives to bake, but has never cared for sweets and would rather leftovers most nights. She can’t help but talk during movies and will “Shush” you when you do. She is the most giving and selfish person you will ever meet and has all faith in the biblical definition of love.

She will laugh at herself often and see she is becoming her parents more every day. She will take pictures of you when you are not looking and write you letters you will never see when she is angry. She will pray for you more than herself and curse you quietly for leaving toothpaste in the sink and licking your fingers. She takes her coffee black because her mom does and notices every time you touch her. She will use all of the hot water, take all of the covers and expect to never touch a trash can for the duration of your life together. She will always want to see the world but avoid looking like a tourist at all cost.

She will vote in every single election, listen to talk radio and still dance until sunrise to pop music you’re embarrassed that you like a little. She has a distrust of modern medicine and big business and hates environmental irresponsibility. She is the girl who loves to run and will race you barefoot after too many drinks. She loves to sing and does so often, but rarely knows all of the words. She makes you think about houses and children and cries during comedies. You will want to be her home.

Life is happening.

I am going for an interview in Illinois on Monday. They are flying me into the depth of the snow for two days to “discuss the position we spoke about.” I do not want to move to Illinois, but I do want the best opportunity out there, and if they offer me the job…this just may be it.

I am working on so many projects at work that I can’t keep them straight and the contract grant writing I’m working on for my non-profits is rolling into a bubbly mess in my head.

I decided to simplify this year and it seems that the runoff from 2010 is slowing that process down.

This year, I will choose to be happy.

I will run into fearful situations, not from them.

I will say no, not always, but more often.

I will apologize sufficiently and sincerely.

I will tell myself continually to slow down, relax and that nothing in life worth having, is easy.

I will not be judgmental or condescending.

And for the very first time in my life, I will commit to myself more than others.

It is definitely NOT Tuesday. It is Monday again.

I woke up an hour late to find a super sexy fever blister on my face. I arrived to work to a computer that was locked and all of our IT people were out for the morning. I realized that I still have 13 people to shop for on my Christmas list and only one night to complete the task. I sat on hold with the pharmacy for 41 minutes to be hung up on and then 30 min later be told that my prescription cannot be filled. The meeting I have been preparing for for days, was canceled 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave. I just confirmed attending a Christmas party tomorrow night that I forgot about until the call came in for the head count. Ahhhh!!!

Its the most wonderful time of the year...

Louisiana…It is 76 degrees in December and I’m hobbling down Magazine Street with a broken foot in a boot and Chloe. I have a list, but one of mostly just names without any ideas beside them. We parked on an end where I have not shopped before and it was a haven for children's toys, and while a tad overpriced, very unique kids gifts. Somewhere between the “bubble gum factory” and the “Make your own Tutu” kits I snagged, the lighted store fronts offered us a tiny gust of Christmas spirit. I finished over half of the “kid gift” shopping in about an hour and a half. The only problem is that now I have to shop for the adults. Regardless, I love Christmas and am fighting my usual tendency to go a little overboard. So in the spirit of the holiday and a minimalist approach to the art of finding the perfect gift; the one that screams at you instead of catches your eye as an afterthought, I am going to enjoy the shopping, decorating, baking and even my #1 on the “if you were on a desert island” drink-hot chocolate EVEN IF it is all while wearing mini dresses and sandals.

Attempt at Accountability

There was "Getting fine in 09," then "Staying Thin in 2010," now, after a broken foot and my last year of my masters degree... I've got 12 weeks to be beach ready.

Summer’s wedding is in 12 weeks…wedding as in El Dorado Royal Resort, bikinis and “flowy” tops and dresses that highlight any winter weight like a neon “SLOTS” sign at a truck stop. So, in light of looking my best I have a plan.

The Victoria’s “not much left of a” Secret Fashion show is tonight at 9. I made an excel sheet that is posted front and center in my office for my weight and measurements. Fake tanning lotion is on order and crest white strips are in tow.

I’m hoping that my pre wedding shopping will further encourage my weight loss/get fit plan. I already have a pair of shimmer shorts and a j crew linen top picked out that requires me to have slender limbs and a flat stomach.

So for the sake of a speedy jump into summer weight and accountability…no more tiramisu, fleur-di-lis pizza or…breathe…imported beer.

"Before" pic to come...eh.

What I don’t understand

I know what drink you order and how you like your poor boy dressed.
I know what school you went to and who you took to prom.

I know what you dream about and what you are scared of;
Who broke your heart and whose heart you broke.

What few deserts you eat and which veggies you eat cooked or raw.

I know the first thing you play every time you pick up your guitar and that you never change the strings on time.

I know the “go to” jokes that make you laugh and what teams you’re watching.

What I don’t understand, is why you don’t want to know these things about me.

I've been lonely before

He made me laugh, He made me cry
He smoked his stogies in bed
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

I asked the boy for a few kind words
He gave me a novel instead
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

Its fine, it's okay
It was wrong either way
I just wanted to say
There isn't much fun when you're drinking for one

He got drunk, he fell down
He threw a few of my things around
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before

I'd like to believe that it's easy to leave
But I have to conceive that wherever you are
You're still driving my car

Sticks and stones break my bones
But tears don't leave any scars
so I'm all alright, I'm all alright
I've been lonely before

He played solitaire in bed
Used to blow bubbles in bed
He sang Christmas songs in bed

Happy with Blisters

The weekend in Memphis left me with burning eyes, a bubbly stomach and yet another broken iphone.

Zoe’s 6th birthday was a success and I’m fairly certain I did a decent job of picking out the perfect gift of Zhu Zhu pets and accessories.

Ribs and Blues, Football and beer, go-carts and bumper cars, 90s dancing and Wet Willy’s, Peabody ducks, sleeping late, fine wine and unlimited pizza.

I honestly don’t know what else I could have accomplished in a three day period, but, I am grateful that I decided not to go to the LSU game.

my new love...

the paint sprayer

Rededicated

It wasn’t until I took a break from blogging, that I realized how many people read it. Honestly, the truth is, so much has happened that I have not had time to write.

Today I decided to rededicate my eating out funds. I spend about 10 bucks a day for lunch on average. Dinner is usually the same, or less since it is just me at home. But since a few things are changing in my life, I decided it was time for a financial change. I am half way through my “debt free” push, my house is under complete remodel and I’m sure I’ll be flying around the country more and more….so here I am….rededicated…staring at a bowl of tomato soup while Keycha is out having pizza and the break room is filled with Major Menu go-plates that smell like fried food.  I’m going to try and stay as positive as I can-after all; I do own a home, a car, and have 55 inches of free entertainment in my living room.

I'm trying to read my Bible as much as my sappy novels-which is proving to be more rewarding than even my new workout schedule.

The job hunt continues, as I am settling into a new spot at Wildlife and Fisheries, in an office FINALLY surrounded by people that I actually want to socialize with, yet I am completely unsettled. My final paper for summer school was submitted this morning marking the start of my LAST year of graduate school so I am not too discouraged. I know that with the degree comes more opportunity.

My health is a miracle, the Dr. even said so this morning and I am optimistic about the future my cervix and I have with Mr. Right.

I am missing friends and now is the season to get reconnected with them before the Fall takes over and leaves me swamped in school work. I am anxious about a football season without my “safe haven” group that I have tailgated with, but I’m sure it will be just as fun with my girls.

So, yes,

Nana-work and life are good, Kent DID move to Chicago,

Dad-Cheryl's baby is fine,

Lauren-I do want to share a pitcher,

Scott-please help me NOT leave for lunch,

and to answer the other 400 emails and facebook messages, with an acid reflux inducing slurp-

I’m back.

just a little change of perspective

Today I learned that people talk to themselves in “self-talk” anywhere from 150 to 300 words a minute.

So in the car, as hyper sensitive as I usually am, I’m thinking…

Turn here (1), not too sharp (2), keep my purse from falling over (3), put on your seatbelt (4), light, come on…, speed up, stupid driver, when does the produce stand open?, I wonder when my meeting starts, why does my phone die all the time, wash car, pick up library books…

I don’t know where the general public falls on self-talking, but I am definatly on the higher end of personal narrative numbers.

So, these thoughts have been following me through my day and I have realized that in light of my “don’t think less of yourself; but think of yourself less” theme-most of my soliloquies are focused on my “feelings.”

I feel tired; I feel out of shape, I wonder if I will ever FEEEEL like getting out of bed early. I love when I feel relaxed. I am feeling on top of the world…until I feel defeated.

So, in this realization I realized that while I have always known that people are their own worst critics…we also talk to ourselves like we would never think of speaking to someone else.

In my effort to not be judgmental and speak only positive or encouraging words-I forgot to consider how I speak to myself.

I FEEL conversations should be I AM conversations.

When I feel defeated, I AM a winner.

When I feel unattractive or out of shape, I AM created wonderfully.

When I feel afraid, I AM more than a conqueror.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

*

"You wish for something, you've wanted it for years, and you're sure you want it, as long as you know you can't have it. But if all at once it looks as though your wish might come true, you suddenly find yourself wishing you had never wished for any such thing."


— Michael Ende The Neverending Story

Brett Dennen...you did it again

Beyond the rules of religion

The cloth of conviction
Above all the competition
Where fact and fiction meet

There`s no color lines or casts or classes
There is no fooling the masses
Whatever faith you practice
Whatever you believe

Heaven. heaven.
What the hell is heaven?
Is there a home for the homeless?
Is there hope for the hopeless?

Throw away your myth misconceptions
There ain`t no walls around heaven
There are no codes you gotta know to get in
No minutemen or border patrol

You must lose all earthly possession
Leave behind your weapon
You cannot buy your salvation
There is no pot of gold

Heaven ain`t got no prisons
No government no business
No banks or politicians
No armies and no police

Castles and cathedrals crumble
Pyramids and pipelines tumble
The failure keeps you humble
Leads us closer to peace

Love is satisfied in God

The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire.  Isaiah 58:11

Your friend will cross the line and let a secret slip.

You will “never find” your spouse, or they will come home late.

Your family will always ask more than you can give them far past what feels like your last dime.

Your new outfit will go unnoticed and your efforts around the house.

You will expect too much and continually be let down.

I have realized that some of my demands are unreasonable, I am human.

It is hard to remember times when I was “anxious for nothing;” when prayer, supplication and thanksgiving were how I delivered my request to Him. I do remember peace…and vividly I remember it truly surpassing my understanding. 

No one can give me peace but God.

The things that I need in my life, only God can satisfy and I had forgotten this.

A friend, a confidant even a stranger can meet some of my needs-but only God can do it all.

I need love. I need acceptance and I need joy.

I have expected all of this to come from others so I have not depended on him.

I have laid down these needs and stuffed them right back in my heart to carry around with me.

My looks, health, friendships, intentions, affections and bank account will all change.

I have looked to all of these, and again, they have changed.

His faithfulness, His truth, and His promises to me will remain.

My only reason, once I remove the excuses, is that I have not trusted God to supply what I need.

While I am not the Samaritan woman at the well, I too have tried to meet needs through friendships and relationships and again and again am found broken standing with just an empty bucket.

Lately I don’t “feel like” much, but I have a feeling if I push forward and seek only him I will find myself right where I belong.

God is enough and always on time.

Sigh...

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.


I have been reading this over and over realizing that it is time for a change.

It is time to not just say what I want to do, but time to do it.

I have been putting question marks where God put a period.

So...Wow

Man comes out of the barber shop and says..."well, would you vote for him?"
-I dont see why not.

listen

I live fast and love hard.

I cry often and harder.

When will I get it right?

I want simple things:

to make music, art and laughter.

Today, I will start treating myself like I do others.

I will listen to my heart, comfort myself and encourage my impossible.

What I want...

I want to work from an office and from home.

I want to sing in musicals and write childrens books.

I want to listen to music everyday, except when it is raining.

I want to read my children books I have written and have them eat their favorite dessert in my resturant.

I want to teach them to not be scared to live.