The Mafia (also known as Cosa Nostra)

So, I'm doing the girl thing; curling iron in hand running through the house answering text and calls lying that I am "almost ready.” I am wearing heels and not much more else because I can’t decide which tiny dress makes me look the least fat (and don’t act like you have not done this). My beer is sweating because I have not had a second to drink it. I’m cataloging things I can do I the car on the way…makeup, deodorant, jewelry, etc. and I hear Belle start screaming-yes…screaming like I had never heard her before.

I stepped into the hallway and in the kitchen I could see her jumping from the counter to the table then to the microwave-she was losing it! So I run in to grab her and she is chasing a sparrow. I am torn between pride of my little huntress and mercy for the little bird that I am positive is in no real danger as Belle prefers to merely play with her prey as opposed to actually killing it. She pins it between the table and fridge and I panic. I grab her and save the bird, shooing it out of the house.

I gave her treats and told her I was proud of her, but my heart hurt for that tiny little bird. The next day I couldn’t shake the thought of a trembling nervous stomached sparrow in my back yard too nervous to approach a feeder, so I started researching the little escapee.

To my surprise, these little “suckers,” I’ll politely call them, storm other birds nest and kill their young. They push them out like slum lords and take over-pushing out eggs and laying claim to their new greener grassed pent house. Bitches! I thought. I started to get upset, then a little angry, and now I’m FURIOUS!

I let that little ass go when Belle could have killed the bully bird on the block. I began to feel like I failed all of the birds that I feed daily in my back yard. Who am I to keep their food fresh and bath clean further encouraging them to set up shop in my West Side Story style back yard? I’m like a made mobster running things on my street. Sigh.

My "almost" pound puppy

Yes, Pet Head-only the best beauty products for my dog that rolls around in my back yard in between tearing up my potted plants. Dodge-a true phenomenon. He is fast enough to kill birds, meek enough to spoon me during a movie, and yet a great guard dog. I think he needs a little sister....I'm just saying.

Room 248

My office is half the size.

The hall is PINK.

I can’t look out of my fourth floor window and see the sun bathers across the street; I’m now just eyelevel with their privacy fence.

It seems to be 80 degrees in every corner of my office.

I now share a restroom with 68 women instead of 12.

I no longer have a mini fridge or access to a clean-keyword…CLEAN, microwave.

I can’t remember what room number my office is.

I got beautiful flowers…but not from a boy.

I still have the same frumpy blue chair that smells a little funny.

I had to clean out a closet of ancient office artifacts and it took two days.

I have no connection to my color printer.

There is always chatter, talking, passing and whispering-quite a stretch from the
silent halls of the ivory tower I was used to.

I don’t have mirror behind my door.

I don’t know when my boss is in because he is now 40 plus steps or a 2 minute elevator ride away instead of 5 yards.

Of the 6 days spent in my new “lair,” my boss has not ventured inside the door once.

To end my vent…I spent 2 days in a conference room with my iphone, a post it note
pad and my book Wicked, went without my computer for 4, spent 2 days cleaning and nursing my moving dust induced sinus attack and now, here I sit-knowing little more than about 6 people’s names on the floor. The way I see it, it can only get better.

A poem for Belle

I have a black cat
And her name is belle
She really likes to eat
So her poo poo really smells.

Sometimes she gets frisky
And runs all through the house
She’s a curious little kitty
Not much bigger than a mouse.

Sometimes she likes to fetch
And flip and purr and scratch
And sometimes when I sleep
Its my feet that she attacks

And her tongue is pink and scratchy
When she kisses me sometimes
So I wake up and feed her
To stop her pouty cries.

Happy Wednesday

So my day started at 5 am...I awoke to "EA Sports...It's in the game!" Apparently my tenant enjoys early morning Madden. Belle brought me a little mouse I bought her yesterday that she is pretty proud of. I tried to pretend that my sister telling me she was pregnant was a dream-but it wasn't. I wanted to stay home and clean, buy more things to mail my nephews for school, paint my mud room...anything-but come to work. But, as most of my inner circle knows...I dont have that option. So, I cried. I thought about how I was looking forward to school for the first time in my life. I looked over at my new 50 inch plasma and thought about how much fun my Sex In The City Marathon will be with the girls this week and still...it was not enough to make me excited to come to work.
Before i knew it, it was after 7 and I had 30 minutes to get ready. I did the "speed of light shower" thing that I have become so accustomed to and threw on a polo dress-my old standby-for the second day in a row.
I recieved 58 emails last night and 7 text messages-I chose to ignore them all until I arrived at work. The real coke and Oatmeal Cream pie for breakfast helped for about five minutes until I calculated the calories. (I have gained six pounds btw.)
But, I am here and smiling my usual smile, excercising my usual wit to the usual suspects counting down until I, very unusually...get to leave for lunch.

Maybe If I type it...

I have made mistakes. I hate to sound “condescending” but sometimes I just don’t understand how the decisions that some people make-made good sense in their head at the time. People are are often so much more than how they act. I think men should concentrate on having the back bone to live how they know is right. Then people around them, especially women, will respect them and hopefully, their stand will shed light on others shortcomings and bring them to raise their own standards.
I have really tried to work on things myself. Women are terrible at telling guys no-In the past I was way too nice and felt sorry for them-now im a beast-they wont even come towards me because I now have a pretty solid reputation that im not an idiot and when a guy is brave enough to talk to me I respond immediately with “ I admire your confidence in approaching me, im not interested in meeting anyone-it doesn't matter if I am single, but thank you for approaching me respectfully-(if they did in which case if they didn’t im more of a bitch).
I have had to work hard to learn to say im sorry, and I honestly feel like I have apologized immediately whenever I have felt that I have been wrong for the prodominate part of the last year.
I used to “be cool” and act like things didn’t bother me-leading only to an uprising down the road...or my ever-famous profession that there is “nothing wrong” and I am POSITIVE we can both agree that there certainly was.
I know the grass is not greener, no one really feels that sorry for me so i shouldn't feel sorry for myself and as far as the things in my life that are “NOT” okay-I'm changing them too. Its not okay for me to turn my head when something is going on that is not right.
Its not okay for me to be late for work so I've started getting up earlier, having half the drinks I used to if I go out and have begun letting the “dirty laundry” sit if my sleep is more important.
Its not okay for me to make fun of people-and I don't remember the last time that I did.
Its not okay to judge peoples actions-I just let it be known that I disagree and I cease 100 percent participation if the night goes in a direction that I don’t agree with.
I know that I have grown a lot this year and finally, for the first time in my life, started to trust people.
I want to marry a man that I trust. I need to know that I am the only person on the planet that they will ever want…for their sake as well.
Its not just that I need to feel secure about how they feel about me.
I never ever want to feel trapped in a marriage, or have to go through a divorce.
I have abandoned really great guys-it never hurt me.
I fear that I will fall for a man to whom I am not exactly what they want and i don't want to be someone's "good enough" or "settle."
I don’t want to date around-I want to date the person I want to marry and commit myself to them-for good and bad-through fat times and mid life crisis-and if they can imagine a chance that some beautiful woman could whisp them away-I would suggest a slow down in their pursuit.
I want a man who actively works on being the best person that he can be.
I don’t ever want to stop examining myself either.
I want to marry someone who admires me and adores me and appreciates who I am becoming.
I know I will annoy them and they will annoy me.
I want to be with someone that exudes love for me.
I want to be on the same page.
I want a man to take me to church, appreciate my cooking and run my bath water.
I don’t want to think the search has ended if in reality one of us still feels like we are taking a chance.
My commitment phobia I justify with with the excuse that I am tired with work and school, but I think it’s a bad excuse.

My favorite little secret

I've been know to be a "johnny hard ass" and yet I cry during horror films. Regardless-I wanted to share a little known fact about me. Since my hospital stay after an auto accident last August, I have not slept alone. I am completely co-dependant upon my bulldog shredder. He was a gift and only leaves my bed when i take him to travel or my dog Dodge steals him away. He was made by TY and I love him...and the thing is-for some reason, It's not that embarassing anymore.

My reflection for the day

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frighten us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people the will to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

My back up plan

So, I was thinking, if it ever gets "that bad," I could always become a game warden. I'm pretty sure they don't make that much but seriously-I already carry a gun, basically live outside, can recite the R.S. numbers of every hunting, fishing and licensing regulation and the penalties associated with them. Maybe its not too late...

The Big Move is Official...

This Morning

This morning I realized that I don't just "feel" trapped-I AM trapped. I need a change and I can't find one. The decisions that I make will not have any effect on on my entrapment. I made my list and even drank three "real" cokes...I went to the library and had a great dinner. And still, I dreamt about being trapped.I am a happy person, I have tons of friends, I am intellegent and talented and not too terrible to look at-and yet I still can't muster a smile this morning.

Today is for me.

I have just spent an entire weekend devoted to everyone else.
Today is for me.
Today I will buy a desk and a new kitchen trash can.
I will de-clutter my desk and make a neat list.
Today I will order books for class.
Today I will ignore the things that make me unhappy.
I will drink a real coke and not think twice.
I will Silence calls that I am not in the mood to take.
I will answer the phone smiling.
I will floss, do pilates and repaint my toenails.
I will make a "house to do list" instead of losing sleep over unorganized thoughts.
I will stop taking other people's actions personally and accept that they, more than likely, will not change.
I will go to bed before midnight.

My latest published article...further solidifying that one day...I may be Carrie Bradshaw.

Citizenship: A Call for Youth Involvement
While many people have heard the importance of voting, I feel that our society is suffering from a lack of understanding of the act. Citizenship is not just the act of voting once every four years for a presidential candidate, but taking an active role in society. It is also more than just the act of involvement that I am addressing, but the level of involvement as well. Many citizens do not take part in our free democracy because they are intimidated by their lack of knowledge or understanding. That is why it is imperative for our country to be educated on the local, state, and national level.

Some may see citizenship as merely casting a ballot, but with a face and voice, its soul can be heard and allowed to move our nation. Lives have been lost while controversy has risen and been silenced, all upon the cause of freedom. In our representative democracy, we are given the opportunity to choose the leaders that make the decisions required to maintain this system. Without the required education, individuals cannot make informed decisions that truly reflect their views.
This problem goes beyond the mere intimidation or apathy that some may feel due to ignorance or simply not understanding how to run the levered machines. It reaches farther into the almost requirement of voting.

With much freedom comes much responsibility. We continue to receive the benefits of our system regardless of whether or not we choose to give back to it. I have completed over 17,000 hours of community service for this very purpose. Giving back to our citizens is what fuels the system and allows it to continue. This is just one example of the extent of liberty we are handed daily.

I do not want to take this liberty for granted and feel that by giving less than what is required of me, I am taking advantage of a system that is too often taken for granted. It is our duty to give back to the system that has handed us the freedom to become anything we dream. It is with the same passion that it hands us the education in order to achieve it.

As recipients of means to accomplish any dream with almost complete freedom, it is crucial that citizenship be given a voice in order to educate and mobilize voters. It is my goal to pour into individuals not only the importance of educating voters and encouraging voting, but the overwhelming and contagious passion to give back to a country that has given us everything. Furthermore, by our involvement, we are continuing to protect the system that gives us the same freedom. Finally, by this act the voices of our people can be truly heard.

Pageant Season

It’s that time-Miss Louisiana (aka the Super Bowl of Pageants) was in June and now every young competitor is racing to prelims in their clear heels and falsies to try for a shot at a title to compete at state. I am producing the Miss Shreveport Pageant Tomorrow. The theme is "One Last Stop Till Vegas" seeing as how the Miss America Pageant has been recently moved from Atlantic City to Vegas. I’ll be driving up tonight and running 100 miles an hour to be sure everyone is in order, prepared and not showing any swim suit liners...that's what I do-it is what I love. For weeks I have gotten emails asking what girls should wear, sing, and answer when asked about gay marriage and now on my desk in a sealed envelope are their on-stage questions. I have been in their shoes so many times-the nerves and excitement, the let down. We shouldn't have favorites, but silently we do. Regardless, we offer all of them help as if we were spray gluing our own daughters’ swimsuit to her butt. Well, I am ready, with music from 2009-no Van Morison at my pageants!-and my new spray tan that smells a little of Vanilla musk...I am on my way to S'port.

Every woman needs a rent-a-husband…or two.

I have discovered that it is impossible to find a man that you are physically and emotionally attracted to, that is also a handy man. In fact, I am pretty sure little boys are pulled aside in school and taught that they must choose if they are to be the “marrying” or “fixing” kind. In my brief experience i have learned that there is a significant difference between boyfriends and rent-a-husbands. In an effort to save anyone an argument, I decided to share the differences so that there is less confusion of what is expected of each

BOYFRIEND
Has to be told to take out trash repeatedly and only does so once the smell is unbearable.
RENT-A-HUSBAND
Buys a new trashcan that is easier to roll with a year supply of liners.

BOYFRIEND
Buys wrinkle releaser and febreeze in an effort to avoid washing or ironing any article of clothing.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Irons your clothes for you so you can get ready to go see your friends on time.

BOYFRIEND Takes Two plus weeks to call a refrigerator repairman and doesn’t even consider the financial loss of food.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Investigates the problem, googles directions, purchases the part and gets rid of your old leftovers to make room for the wine he picked up on the way home from Home Depot.

BOYFRIEND Has no idea how many miles are to be driven on a vehicle before maintenance is required but he knows it is at least a few weeks after the warning light starts flashing.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Washes your car because he was “already there” when he was getting your oil changed and new inspection sticker.

BOYFRIEND Has no inclination of when you are having “girl time.”
RENT-A-HUSBAND Walks on egg shells and brings you chocolate so you can rest while he hangs the pictures that are too heavy for you.

BOYFRIEND Doesn’t require affection of any kind until he makes the move-which is usually for the duration of at least two commercials.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Doesn’t expect even a hug after working for four hours on your broken central air unit or painting your bathroom.

BOYFRIEND Gets pissed when you yell at him and classifies all serious discussions as a fight.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Enjoys your banter and calls you a bitch to your face…and you love it.

BOYFRIEND Needs assistance locating the lawn mower.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Winterizes your lawn equipment and gets a comfy handle for the rake so you don’t get blisters.

BOYFRIEND Has no idea what cleaners are for what so when guilted into cleaning a toilet-they reach for a wad of toilet paper and call it a good job.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Warns you against using harsh chemicals on your new hardware and bring you a dust mop for your refinished floors.

BOYFRIEND Buys you flowers twice a year as an answer to something terrible they did.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Landscapes your yard, changes out your perennials and knows you hate roses.

BOYFRIEND Takes three hours to respond to a text because he is taking nonstop shots at the bar with his boys.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Buys you shots that he knows you love and then hands you an ice water because he knows you have a sensitive stomach.

BOYFRIEND Tells you to meet him after you are done shopping for household items and paint supplies.
RENT-A-HUSBAND Meets you at the store so you don’t have to lift the 5 gallon buckets or put gasoline in your car.

Hopefully this clears some things up…and give you guys some incentive to step up his game.
Inevitably, we will continue to love the men that love us...and pray each night they act like their crutch-like rental counterparts.

Do people really drink Vitamin Water?

When hunting it is important to stay hydrated.

A blog about me...electronic compliment?

For you
Reasons my Blog will never be as cool as yours:
1. You can rhyme words
2. You've got more hair (on your head)
3. I don' t have your knowledge of fine wines and cheeses
4. I still can't make rotel
5. I don't own a pet
6. I talk to the same 10 people everyday
7. I'm a fake southerner
8. I've never owned a pair of muck boots
9. The only gun I own is of the BB variety
10. I don't cry at the end of every movie, Disney or otherwise
11. I never have any sort of drama to discuss with anyone, ever
12. I have no idea what Blog means, acronym? abbreviation? play on words? pun?
13. I only own clothes from one retailer
14. I still shop the XS women's online sale from said retailer everyday
15. I don't know how a blackberry works
16. All of a sudden, blue grass music is cool to me
17. You are the bee's knees
18. I've never purchased schooner for a feline friend of mine
19. An antique to me, is a old burned CD that I forgot I made.
20. I love you too much to try to show up.
Good night and good luck

Where I’m from

I am from bare feet, from fresh sheets and mason jars.
I am from the treadle sewing machine, wood floors, tire swing, and railroad tracks.
I am from the plum tree, spider lilies, the honey suckles and fishing ponds.
I am from back yard fires and pocket knives, from Milam and Grimes; Polizo and Hendrick.
I am from over communication, compulsive cleaning and a love of music.
From mosquito bites, no shoes in the house and glass coke bottles.
I am from Baptist, Pentecostal, Catholic and “believe what you want.”
I am from Natchez and lightning bugs, drop biscuits, tomato gravy, and vegetable soup.
From the red wagon, barbwire fences, slip and slide, and sacks of pecans.
I am from the family album, rusted swing set, Bambie’s tea cups and summers in Greenville.
From cleaning cast iron skillets and picking my own switches.
I am from the sweet olive tree and magnolia leaves.
From questioning and learning to trust.
I am from my father’s confidence and the face of my mother.

Just a few confessions

1. I can't go anywhere without my cell phone. I am convinced it keeps my heart beating.
2. I want children, but the older i get...the longer i want to wait
document.
3. Fear of Commitment should have been written on my birth certificate
4. I have every journal i have ever written in since i was six
5. I have broken up with a guy for having bad feet.
6. I love to read but rarely finish a book
7. Crown Royal and Redi Whip are basic necessities of life.
8. I hate any kind of daiquiri
9. I kissed one of my professors
10. It is extremely hard for me to say I'm Sorry
11. I have never been scared of the dark
12. I'm alergic to latex.
13. I only own push up bras
14. I can't finish a drink. Litterally, not a bottle of water, a can of coke or even the bottom of a beer-im blaming OCD
15. I pray almost every day
16. When someone is wearing something terrible, i email a detailed description to my friends list
17. I am not very coachable-i have too much pride
18. I run faster than most boys i know
19. I have never been tan-orexic or bleached my hair...i should probably be in a museum
20. I don't care that i have a "dirty mouth"
21. My feelings get hurt when my cat doesn't sleep by me
22. I am in NO way a morning person
23. I'm a compulsive nail biter-i just can't shake it
24.I dont think red heads should ever wear red
25. I think cigarettes make girls look a little trashy, but i love to smoke cigars
26. I play 7 instruments but am a much better singer.
27. I only shave my legs every few weeks...i don't really grow hair.
28. I hate lipstick.
29. I have a Mr. Potato Head, Gumby, Pokey and a sling shot monkey in my desk.
30. I rarely lock the door when i go into restroom stalls.

It is what it is

Ive been told to write a book or start a blog...im opting for the easier option that im more qualified to do. I'm 26 years old, work for state government and am getting my Masters of Public Administration. I just bought a house, I have a great car...a cat named Belle and a puppy named Dodge. On paper, my life looks perfect, but... it is what it is.